Reading Discussion Guide #5
The Husbands by Holly Gramazio
Thank you to Doubleday for sending me a gifted copy. This also contains affiliate links from Bookshop.org, where I will earn a commission from qualifying purchases (at no additional cost to you).
Today we’re diving into the debut novel and April Read with Jenna pick, The Husbands by Holly Gramazio. Disguised as a novel about husbands (don’t worry, there are definitely husbands present), this is ultimately a story shining a spotlight on the weight of our decisions, the ability—or inability—to make decisions, and the current swipe left or right culture of modern dating. Don’t let the cutesy cover fool you, this has something for everyone.
As you can guess, I am desperately hoping Jenna Bush Hager’s production company adapts this. Why do I always want my favorite books do be turned into a limited series? Probably because they have the most to say, with the finesse of doing so concisely.
But before continuing onto the discussion questions for this one, most of which felt like journal prompts (no shade!), I want to acknowledge my personal biases of being married for five year and a mother to two toddlers. My answers will clearly be very different if compared with someone who is single and childfree, like our main character, Lauren, but I don’t think it hindered my enjoyment of the novel at all. Clearly, it didn’t. Though I was reading with the privilege of fond hindsight, I was not immune from this narrative pinching the nerve of deep insecurity and existential curiosity.
This is your warning now to save this post and come back to it later if you want to avoid any spoilers. And please look up Content Warnings on The StoryGraph.
Synopses
When Lauren returns home to her flat in London late one night, she is greeted at the door by her husband, Michael. There's only one problem—she's not married. She's never seen this man before in her life. But according to her friends, her much-improved decor, and the photos on her phone, they've been together for years.
As Lauren tries to puzzle out how she could be married to someone she can't remember meeting, Michael goes to the attic to change a lightbulb and abruptly disappears. In his place, a new man emerges, and a new, slightly altered life re-forms around her. Realizing that her attic is creating an infinite supply of husbands, Lauren confronts the question: If swapping lives is as easy as changing a lightbulb, how do you know you've taken the right path? When do you stop trying to do better and start actually living?
Discussion Guide
The questions from the publisher’s official guide can be found, here.
1. Lauren finds that she’s quite a different person in some of the versions of her life. What changes surprised you the most? Do you think that most people would change so dramatically if they were with different partners or in different jobs, or is Lauren more easily changed by her situation than you would be?
I think the most surprising changes weren’t the ones that happened directly to Lauren, but indirectly from her friends and family—whether or not her sister was a mom and the neighbors becoming swingers with Lauren and her husband. I think in those moments Lauren started to realize the deeper implications of what all was happening every time she had a new husband.
While some components of Lauren’s different lives might be over-the-top, I don’t think her adaptive frequency is any higher than the average person. We all create—fictitious or otherwise—enmeshed lives when in a relationship, so it’s not surprising to see interests come and go with each husband. I can’t speak to the dynamics in queer couples, but I have seen some dramatic instances of women changing their lifestyles around the men they date. It almost reminds me of when you’re dating someone and you, in varying degrees of seriousness, envision the wedding you’d have with that person. You eventually look back and realize, wow thank god none of these came to fruition and only lived in my daydreams.
2. Do you have a favorite among Lauren’s husbands? And is it the same answer if you’re choosing a partner for Lauren as it would be if you were choosing for yourself?
My favorite was Carter when things were good, of course, because I loved those giddy feelings, but I don’t think I’d pick that iteration of Carter for Lauren or myself. But we knew their relationship was too good to be true, which Lauren recognized while it was still happening. Side note, there isn’t one husband I would have ‘picked’ per se, I felt like I was reading from a more distant perspective, but I do like how the story ended and would hope that’s what I would have done in Lauren’s shoes, too.
3. Lauren sends a lot of husbands back into the attic for pretty trivial reasons. Do you have any irrational red flags like that? If you have that sort of ugh, no feeling about someone right away, even if it’s petty, does that mean the relationship is doomed, or is it sometimes worth examining the feeling and trying to get past it?
Irrational red flags…The Ick…I think we all secretly or not-so-secretly have them in our dating criteria. I don’t think icks are petty or that deep to where they need to be therapeutically worked through—I would hope someone could tell the difference in harmless turn-offs vs. deep traumatic avoidance.
When I was dating, I don’t think I had any unusual red flags. The only time I can remember being affected by the ick (and I don’t think this one is strange per se because physical chemistry is important) was when, after a great dinner second-date where our flirtatious energy was absolutely there, the kiss that followed when we said goodbye was immediately indicative to me that he was not The One. Nothing bad happened, he wasn’t a perv or aggressive at all, the vibe just immediately switching knowing our kissing styles weren’t compatable. I got into my car, and my heart sank with that realization as I buckled my seatbelt.
4. If you had a day with no consequences, knowing that you could reset your life at the end of it, what would you do?
This is the boring mom answer: sleep, pamper myself, wine and dine wherever I want, but most importantly, just be by myself. Not alone, but by myself, remembering I exist as my own person outside of my kids. I wish I could have a ‘more fun’ answer, but I am curious to what my past single-casual-dating-self would do.
5. With each new husband, Lauren discovers that the weddings she had with these men vary wildly from man to man. Did that surprise you? Does it ring true for you that the celebrations would change so drastically with each partner?
I think this kind of circles back to Q1, but no, I don’t think it surprises me Lauren’s wedding have also changed as a result to whom her current husband is. It goes without saying that every couple has different interests, socioeconomics, family influence, priorities, etc.
6. There’s a moment when Lauren reflects on her unshaven legs and muses that “she has, she supposes, grown lax about shaving, a married woman. A wife.” She is, of course, operating off some preconceived notion about what it means to be married, to be a woman who has “let herself go” ever so slightly once ensconced in the comfort of marriage. What other assumptions about marriage, being a wife, or the concept of “wifely duties” have you absorbed throughout your life? Do you find they ring true, or do they not?
In another callback, this time to Q3, the phrase and implications of ‘wifely duties’ gives me The Ick. Honestly, I don’t love this question, and while I get the joke Lauren makes and think it’s somewhat true, I don’t have any of those assumptions regarding marriage specifically or categorize personal grooming as a ‘wifely duty’ (🥴). But did I wait for external validation before not caring about the frequency of shaving my legs? Yeah. Someone doesn’t need marriage (I’d say it’s most commonly seen when finally living with your partner) to suddenly distance themselves from the societal beauty standards they choose, unconsciously or not, to maintain.
7. How did you feel when Lauren met Bohai? Was there a sense of relief that she had someone who understood her predicament?
I was so pleasantly surprised by Bohai, both subjectively as a reader and objectively from a critical standpoint to move the story along. There was a total sense of relief for Lauren because it was validating to know she hadn’t been delusional or gaslighting herself this entire time.
8. Lauren says she “has always hated being wrong, the idea of doing something that turns out to be an irredeemable mistake,” and this is what prevents her from settling down with one of the husbands. When the possibility of failure or divorce is so high, how do people continue to find the faith to get married believing they are making the right decision?
I think marriage is the social contract both parties are willingly, and openly, taking a risk on. Divorce, death—nothing is permanent. And even in dating, ‘you’ll either break up or get married’—we’re already aware things work out or they don’t. Marriage also means different things to different people, but I think they simply choose to find that faith that whatever they’re looking for in a marriage is there and worth it. Some people believe they found The One, while others recognize maybe there could be multiple Ones, and This One is whom they happened to find.
Lauren’s fears are undeniably valid, it’s a fork-in-the-road, existential feeling that exists well outside of marriage—careers, kids, university decisions, etc. Decision paralysis is an actual debilitating fear (disorder? symptom? condition?) for a reason.
9. When she’s partnered with Michael, Lauren thinks that “this is the life she would design if she was drunk and trying to think through the best possible version of who she could be.” What life would you design for yourself to be the best possible version of who you can be?
This is hard to say, because I am genuinely grateful for the life I have (I know, I know—boring cliché), but I don’t think I’d say no to a little extra cushioning to my bank account, a Brooklyn brownstone in Park Slope (okay, a lot of cushioning to my bank account), or being a mom who can Do It All ™️. I think I’d also make myself someone who does pilates. Wait, is this just a Real Housewives fantasy?
10. Lauren discovers a little thrill when Amos leaves their shared apartment and she finds herself with the freedom to do whatever she wants without having to consider anyone else’s schedule or feelings. Is this sense of freedom ever possible within a couple? Or can it be found only when one is single?
I don’t think that unencumbered or even relief-like freedom should exist in a relationship, in the sense that, you shouldn’t be in a relationship that makes you feel like you don’t have personal freedom. This freedom Lauren experiences is because of being in an unwanted marriage with Amos, someone she already didn’t want to continue to be with in the original, unobstructed timeline. I don’t think it’s indicative of actual freedom in relationships. Full, selfish freedom can only exist when single, but being in a relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t free. In a relationship you don’t sacrifice who you are as an individual, but you do agree upon sharing your lives together.
11. Inasmuch as Lauren’s husbands change, her friend Elena, neighbors Maryam and Toby, and sister Nat remain relatively unchanged from relationship to relationship, with a few exceptions. What do you think that says about the nature of Lauren’s nonromantic friendships?
Lauren can maintain consistency with platonic and familial relationships, independent of any husband-timeline shift, because they’re all healthy, secure, and consistent—everything her romantic relationships are lack.
12. Why is it such a disappointment for Lauren when she goes in search of Carter, the one she feels got away, and there is no spark or romantic interest the second time? What do you think she was holding out hope to find with him? Was it really that good with him the first time, or was the time with Carter made rosier by the disappointing husbands who followed him?
I think Carter represented a sense of normalcy in a chaotic situation, and hope that some of the husbands might actually have potential to last. It happens all the time in dating when you have a great month, even two, with someone and you start to gain the hope of what could this lead to? what are we? That phase is definitely a mix of being a good match with genuine chemistry and having rose-colored glasses on to see what you’re hoping for.
13. How did you feel about the book’s ending—both the fiery end to the apartment and its attic, as well as the man, Sam, Lauren ends up with?
I actually really liked the ending! I know it has mixed reviews, but the point was to see Lauren commit to a decision while on a seemingly-never-ending emotional rollercoaster. It felt appropriate and redemptive. I love endings like this where a story is still there to tell, but the author simply volleys just enough information for us to be able to accurately fill in the gaps ourselves.
However, I do kind of wish she had the choice of: being single or committing to the final husband. It’s like, why keep her married—to either remain married or get divorced—when she can be single and apply the lessons she’s learned to the next people she dates. I trust Lauren enough to not revert back to her old tendencies if she had the opportunity to return to single life.
14. Do you ever contemplate how your life would have turned out differently had you married a different person, taken a different job, or moved to the city you were thinking about? Is it even possible to imagine our own alternate lives, or must we view our potential life paths through the lens of our actual experience?
Literally all the time. Who doesn’t? I think it’s natural to have that curiosity, so yes, of course we can fantasize—realistically or otherwise—what our alternate realities could have been, without getting too caught up in the What Ifs.
15. When it comes to making choices in your own life, how do you know when you’re making the right decision? What’s your process for trusting the decisions you make?
This is why I resonated with this book so much, and the truth is, sometimes I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision. Time has yet to tell. I think the best thing to do, which I try to implement as much as possible if possible, is to do the best you can with the information you have.
In Summation
I gave this novel five out of five stars. It’s a light way to discuss ubiquitous feelings regarding romantic relationships and decision making. I loved how it was timely and timeless without being devastating—too many novels rely on sadness or trauma as a narrative crutch. While I know and can see why some people might dislike it, I think the only fair criticisms that can be applied are it being a little too long and its lack of literary panache. To that I say, not every book needs purple prose (and I’m a sucker for purple prose, fwiw). Sometimes a contemporary novel can hit its marks and add to societal conversations and be light (without making it inherently gimmicky or goofy).
I want all of my friends to read this, and wish I was in a book club that read it together because all I want to do is yap on and on and on about it.
If you read this novel, what did you think? What did you rate it? Are there any details from these questions missed? Would love to know!
ICYMI
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